How wonderful it
would be if we were born with an arsenal of life experience information to tap
into as we begin our time on earth.
Teenagers might not think they really do know more than their parents. Instead of trying to imagine another’s life,
we would actually know how it might feel to be shot and paralyzed as one of my
students was. Hopefully, such knowledge
would be used for us to become more helpful, more insightful human beings in
our dealings with one another.
For parents,
losing a child is one of the worst things imaginable. Often, we are at a loss of what to say or
what do when someone we know actually does have a child die, especially if the
circumstances seem especially painful.
In recent weeks, here in Charleston, a healthy teenager was killed instantly
in a car crash, and grief has moved in so swiftly and painfully.
Our son died
after only 17 days and had done battle with impending destruction even before
he was born. I should have miscarried at
10 weeks, delivered him short of 24 weeks and failed to carry him to that 28
week goal. Upon entering the world at 28
weeks, he suffered great lung distress but again, the “great grace of God” had
him “out of the woods” the next day. By
the time he died, he had endured more than one fatal blow which added to the
tragedy of such loss.
Although no two
losses are alike, there are some assumptions I can put to rest. Because people don’t know what to say, often
some cliché is passed along, like “God must have needed another angel,” or
“everything happens for a reason,” etc.
Try to avoid falling into this trap.
A genuine “I’m so sorry,” and/or a hug will be more comforting. In time, we might avoid mentioning the child
thinking we will keep the parents from thinking about their loss. Trust me. Their thoughts are permeated with the loss and the experience
of it for a long time. Talking about the
child (at an appropriate moment) who has died can actually help keep that
person “alive” in our memories.
As people go on
with their lives, it is easy to forget we can still show kindness weeks after a
funeral. Just being present in some way
with people who are hurting for some reason—stopping by with a cobbler and a
friendly chat, making a phone call to ask and listen to how someone is doing or
feeling, an invitation to meet at a restaurant or even better, offering a meal in your home. The list could go on and on. Don’t let fear of doing or saying the wrong
thing keep you from “being present” with others in need. Let us not forget our fervent prayers for one another can accomplish
much (James 5), comfort and healing beyond our acts of human kindness.
